Duke Nukem Forever Review: 20th Century Let Down

It's sad that I'm done playing Duke Nukem and ready to render my verdict already. I didn't finish the single player campaign, but I experienced enough to give a recommendation and sufficiently back it up with several reasons. I don't feel like I should have to suffer more just to give the developers another chance. They had plenty of time so far and the glaring issues with this game are not going to be magically cured in later chapters. This is the first game review in which I unequivocally say to avoid purchasing it. I mean, if you've been waiting 12 years and are really excited to see Duke again, then maybe rent it. In a nut shell, it's an old looking game with graphics that are sub-par for a $60 game in this generation, unacceptably long loading times, irritating forced environment exploration and 1st person platforming, and strangely frequent instant death scenarios. There is some silver lining. It's funny. At first anyway. There were some good times. But now it's over. Read on for a more detailed explanation of why it hurts so much inside, while I go cry myself to sleep.

My first impression of Duke Nukem was that it actually seemed quite funny. The intro song and video are pretty cool and the initial dirty humor and narcissism are exactly what one would expect from Duke. The fun wears off very quickly however, as the jokes become dumber and no longer cute. A few times an originally somewhat funny piece of dialog occurs right after a checkpoint, so if you die a few times, you'll have to hear it repeatedly. Even good jokes are hardly funny the second time. By the tenth time, it becomes grating. The entire huge ego, dick and fart joke theme becomes tiring by the time the aliens start attacking. Additionally, the blatant misogyny and degradation of women would offend more than a few people. I would write it off as being intentionally over the top, but it takes a turn for the disturbing around the time that women are kidnapped and impregnated by aliens. They take a little shot at Japan for tentacle porn, but it's really not worth the weirdness and discomfort.

Fairly early on in the game, the player is encouraged to interact with a number of surrounding objects to increase Duke's max ego, which represents his health. Lifting weights, punching a heavy bag, and having Duke admire himself in the mirror are neat ways to increase his health capacity. However, the game soon starts presenting constant irritating "puzzles" that often involve unintuitive interactions and at one point even requires the player to push a ball along the floor by running into it. This gets in the way of the games real purpose, killing aliens. Further more, platforming challenges begin to be presented at an alarming rate. Sometimes falling only results in having to go back and jump up again, but all too often it means instant death. I am going to phrase this succinctly. Players should never have to platform when they can't see their character's feet. The hint screen flashes this little tidbit: "If you die by falling from a high ledge, it's probably your fault". I think they need to add "Unless it's the level designers fault". There is one spot in particular where Duke starts out in a spot, that if he walks 2 or 3 spots to the right, he falls in an unseen gap and dies. This is hardly fun. Falling isn't the only manner of ridiculous instant death players are forced to endure. Occasionally a pig cop will run on the screen with a red barrel and chuck it at you. If you don't shoot it in time, you die.

The instant death in odd places would be less of a problem if it weren't for one big gaping issue. Loading times, both after death and between chapters, are around 30 seconds. That means every death steals about 30 seconds from your life. This is unacceptable in modern gaming. I don't think it would have even been fine 12 years ago. I was so shocked by the delay, that I pulled out my iPhone and started using the stopwatch to make sure. I clocked it at 30-36 seconds of loading time every time an Xbox 360 with the game installed on the hard disc. This is even more perplexing because the levels aren't very big, the environments are mostly tight with few grand overlooks, and the graphics are not nearly at the standard for a game in this generation.

The multiplayer is not bad. Graphically it still suffers from the age of the game, but in terms of balance I find it fair. I'm not an FPS multiplayer connoisseur, so I'll just explain the basics. There are 4 game modes, including Death Match, Team Death Match, Capture the Flag and King of the Hill. Special "mutator" modes can also be chosen, such as shotguns only, infinite ammo, or railguns only. 10 maps are built in, though DLC could always expand this. There is an 8 player limit in all maps and it is possible to randomly choose maps or repeat the same in a game room. As you play matches, collect experience, and level up, items in your apartment become unlocked as well as girls. You start out with a french maid and eventually can unlock the twins.

In short, the aging humor, irritating gameplay interruptions, instant deaths, and much too long loading times each might only be a mild annoyance if taken separately, but when combined result in Duke Nukem Forever being all but unplayable. This is a major disappointment given that it has been 12 years in coming. I am terribly sorry for the developers, since based on what I've heard, they really wanted this Duke Nukem to make a triumphant return and please longtime fans. Maybe they should have left this one for dead after all.

Duke Nukem Forever will be released on June 14 in North America and is already available in other territories. Developed by 3D Realms (1997-2009) in collaboration with Triptych Games and Gearbox Software (2009-2011). Console port and multiplayer by Piranha Games. Published by 2K Games. Played through second boss and a scene involving a stripper, some popcorn, a sex toy, and a condom on single player campaign. Played a few rounds of quick match multiplayer.